Life can be a hard row to hoe. Everyone has different levels of stress and challenges in their lives, and with these stresses and challenges, each person deals with it the best they can. No one's problems are bigger or less important than someone else's issues. We get hit with things that test us, and how we are able to deal with it is how we are able to deal with it. What is a slight speck of an issue to one is monumental to another. There are all kinds of reasons for this: sensory issues, sickness, how one was brought up to deal with stress or not deal with stress, abuse. There are too many factors to list here.
Having been diagnosed with a slew of mental health issues since the age of 19, blame was so easy to lay on my family. I mean diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder because of the atrocities I received and witnessed for the first 18 years of my life is clearly the environment I was allowed to grow up in. Who's fault? The adults for putting me there.
But 20 years later, and a lot of growing and surviving, has led me to just let go. Some things really are unforgivable and those perpetrators need to answer for their crimes. However, seeing the history of what my family has endured for decades, seeing the patterns of mental illness being passed on to each generation has opened my eyes to take control of my own life. Taking matters into my own hands and not letting these challenges bog me in the quagmire of helplessness is helping me move on and find great joy. Joy that was staring me right in the face and I never noticed.
Right now, my biggest challenge is Bipolar Disorder accompanied with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PDD) and General Anxiety Disorder, on top of dealing with my son's diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder. I want to cry myself to sleep every night. I want to pack my bags and run screaming from this house forever, since running is what I have always been best at.
Perseverance. I turned 40 this year. Perseverance. Something took over me. Perseverance. I screamed like Susan Powter: "STOP THE INSANITY!" And so, I did: Working on cognitive behavioral changes daily, taking four different types of medication to balance my mood to prevent diving into the pits of despair, therapy for me and my family, working out like a mad woman six days a week, practicing yoga everyday, meditation, writing, drawing, staying busy, eating well, but also having the occasional ice cream dinner.
Did you know that there are days that I have so much love and joy in my heart for someone that means the world to me, then the next day, I hate this same person with so much malevolence and hatred, that it borders on psychotic? I have absolutely no control over this...my brain really does not work or act like the general masses. The only control I do have is my doctors and my medication to put an end to it. And perseverance. I will not be what I witnessed. I will not let my mental illness destroy the love and kindness I possess.
I truly believe that as an adult, I have the control and the ability to take my life into my own hands and make it what I want it to be. Constant blaming of others for my plight, like childhood history, genetics, etc., will not move me forward but keep me stuck in the same place: the "WHY ME?" mentality. It also won't help my son or our family.
So what is this post about? I have no idea. Validation for my issues? Ideas for others to pull themselves up from their boot straps and move on? Eye opening revelations to those who think they know me? Bored? All of these things, I suppose. The biggest thing I'm taking away from my experience is to treat people kindly. Someone yelling at me? Show kindness. Snide remarks? Show kindness. Being left out? Show kindness. If more people did this for me, I may have had my revelation to healthiness sooner. I only hope that by me showing kindness to all, I may just change the life of someone who needed just that tiniest of pushes.
Until the next,
– TYG
